Approach / Avoidance

I have a new profession. It's called "avoidance." Procrastination could be it's cousin, but I'm quite familiar with that, and this is different. Painting was something that didn't see the tarnish of procrastination because I always wanted to brush my visions onto canvas. It was an exercise that gave me joy, rewarding me by being far more ecstasy than agony. Now I have the pieces of my studio scattered about the house, and a beautiful empty room in which to put them together... So I went to Goodwill. No good reason. Just wandered for an hour trying to figure out why people make plastic statues of tigers mating and write books about the Sex Lives of Cannibals. I suppose it was free entertainment, but for me it had greater significance--avoidance. Why?! Do I need a personal trainer (with a whip) to get me moving forward? Sigh. Let me take this one step further to the syndrome called "Approach / Avoidance." Note, first of all, that there is an approach side to this! When one side offers a stronger reward than the other, there is that magic tipping point. So what is my reward for avoidance? Well, if one of you figures it out, please let me know. Fear of failure...hmmmm...maybe. Laziness?...no. Certifiable mess. Quite possibly. (Not just my house--ME.) I think I know why the Israelites wandered in the desert. The transition of leaving all that was familiar, even though it was freeing, tore their comfort zones apart. Letting go and embracing the new was their only positive response available. And yet they wandered. Tomorrow I will not wander. I will take one step at a time toward my goal, because I don't have 40 years and I'm with Joshua and Caleb--I believe the giants can be faced with God's help and direction...and with people who come along side and say, "You can do it."

Trust vs. Taking

Here I am, hurting again. I keep losing my faith in people. I heard a TED talk which sited that women have more oxytocin, which causes them to trust more. To bond more. Men have more testosterone, which causes more selfishness (hey--empirical research). So there we have the great combo of trusting and taking. This is not my man bashing post. I know of men who have integrity. Interestingly enough, every one I can think of loves the Lord. God transforms us.

My art hasn't started in physical form yet. But my studio space will be vacated and ready to move into on Tuesday. Add to that my very bizarre dreams (an underwater world where the colors are magnificent, and there are gardens and animals like there are on land). Don't envy me those dreams though, because somewhere between 1am and 3am I have nightmares. Extreme failure. Broken figurines I try to put back together, but they are deformed. Last night the ceramic figure was an evil over-muscled pit bull and I was trying to mold it into a gentler dog, but the pieces wouldn't fit.

I don't know where God is taking me. I could die tomorrow. So I am trying to see each day with new eyes and new possibilities. We live in a world that tries to take us down like quick sand. They say to just relax and you'll actually float. Flail around and you sink. Hope floats...I hope.