Strolling

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”  Donald Miller

Running through sand. I see the goal, but each step is agonizingly slow. It's a nightmare, but my mind is sure I'm awake. Then I my eyes open and I feel the sweat of the sheets underneath me. For almost three years I have been living that nightmare. Strolling when I want to run. Running in real life to feel sane, then stepping back into the sluggish reality of everyday.  I waited for my mom to finish her gradual decline, thinking back to the mercy of my dad's quick death, and then feeling guilty for wishing for something so morbid. But was it?  I slogged through the detritus of the estate while relatives asked why I was taking so long. I moved not one, but four trucks over to Bend, filled with boxes which still confetti my home. Now my dreams entail wandering through mazes of landfill, trying to find my way out.

"Waiting begins when you're sure that you're done waiting," according to Pastor Rick Booye. I thought I was through some time ago. Am I there yet?

Today I filled out application after application so I can survive while I reach for my passion. Depression dogs my steps. This is a real life run through sand. There is no waking here, only persistence. Faith. Trust. Lord when? How many of us have asked that question? More pertinent, how long will I stroll instead of mounting  up with wings like eagles or running with horses?

So I wait. And it is slow. Slower than the slowest of slows I've known. Meanwhile the world spins at its regular pace as I seem to lose days...or maybe years. Perhaps while I am strolling tomorrow, a simple but life-changing moment will float across my day, my earth bound eyes unseeing, while God in His amazing timing smiles.